The Percepts Oh boy, I’m scared of not having fear.
For a long time, fear was one of the things that made me study.
When exams were approaching, I became afraid of failing. That fear created urgency. I would sit down, read for hours, cram as much information as I could, write the exam, and then forget most of what I had learned.
It worked, at least in the sense that I could pass.
But now something has changed.
I’m less afraid.
I noticed it in places outside academics too. I used to feel intimidated by people. If I made eye contact with someone, I’d probably look away first. Now, I can hold their gaze until they look away.
Before, I was intimidated. Now, I’m the intimidator.
And strangely, I’m beginning to miss the fear.
Not because I enjoyed being afraid, but because fear gave me urgency.
Now I sometimes look at a document I’m supposed to study and think, I don’t give a shit.
That’s the part that scares me.
What happens when nothing feels urgent enough to make me start?
If fear was the thing pushing me to study, and I no longer have that fear, I need another reason to learn.
At first, I thought maybe I should manufacture another fear. Find something to scare myself with so I can get back to work.
But why?
Maybe I can be curious instead.
When I encounter a document, I can ask myself: Why is this important? Why did the lecturer choose to teach this? How does this connect to the other things I’ve learned? Where does this actually exist in the real world?
I have already experienced a version of this.
When I studied Operating Systems, I came across things like cloud computing and virtualization. Instead of only memorizing the definitions for an exam, I started looking into them. I experimented with different operating systems and virtual machines.
The material stopped being just something I needed to remember.
It became something I wanted to understand.
But I don’t think curiosity is enough by itself.
Sometimes you need a purpose.
Maybe the purpose is passing the exam. Maybe it’s solving a problem. Maybe it’s building something. Maybe it’s understanding something well enough to use it later.
For me, the difference is simple.
I don’t want to study just to pass anymore.
I don’t want to cram information, reproduce it in an exam, and forget it afterward.
I want to understand things well enough that I can recognize them when I encounter them in the real world.
I want studying to feel less like preparing for survival and more like participating in something I actually care about.
I used to be afraid that I would fail.
Now I’m afraid that I won’t care enough to try.
Maybe that’s not a problem to solve by bringing fear back.
Maybe I just need to find something worth caring about.
Because I don’t want to survive my education.
I want to live it.